“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face.

“Actually, no,” the bartender smiles.

“Can you get him for me?” she asks, running her hands through his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t. He’s not here,” the bartender sighs. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” he manages to ask.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “that there’s no toilet paper in the ladies’ room.”

“Ain’t heard of that one, ” says the other cowboy. “What is it?”

“Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!’ and see how long you can hang on.”

Come on, says the supervisor, what’s wrong with a guy telling you your hair smells nice?

He’s  a f****n’ midget

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

“Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ddddaaammmmnnn ttthingggg offffff?”

“What’s that?” she asks.

He explains that it’s the card proving she knows how to drive.

“Oh, I have one of those,” she says.

After checking her information in the squad car, the cop says, “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“What’s a ticket?” she asks.

The cop thinks about it, looks both ways, and pulls out his d**k.

The girl slumps in her seat and says, “Oh, no. Not another Breathalyzer.”

The first old man says, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”

The other old man says, “I don’t know. If I were you, I’d try petting him first.”

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.

“Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?”

The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a f****g thing.”

The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada. I’m a taxidermist.”

The barkeep asks, “what in tarnation is a taxidermist? You drive a taxi?”

“No. I mount animals,” the guy explains.

The bartender grins and yells to his patrons, “It’s OK, boys – he’s one of us!”